I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
