my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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