so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
