you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
