I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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