My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
