Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
