Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
