I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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