Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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