I haven't been this sober since birth.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
