New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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