Will you blow on my dice?
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
