She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
pray to the hookup gods
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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