hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
