Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
