My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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