You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize