You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
