The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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