An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
