At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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