This is not my ceiling
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
