I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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