My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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