Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
50% drunk capacity currently
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
