I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
