So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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