Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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