we're chasing vodka with high fives
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
