Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
