my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
