my mouth tastes like poor choices
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Two words: nipple clamps
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