I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
A bitchslap is in order.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize