I'm pants shitting drunk right now
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
