my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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