There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You ruined the universe
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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