I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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