Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
