No more Irish car bombs ever.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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