I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
