The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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