I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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