Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
