Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
