I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
