Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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