when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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