im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
farters have to be the big spoon...
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
