ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
