Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
