sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I can feel your judgement through the phone
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
